The Metaphysical Olympics
I often think about this peculiar painting of the Annunciation by Lorenzo Lotto. As you can see, God doesn't seem to have much confidence in the angel carrying out his instructions and Mary is just about to exit the canvas. (I'm sure there must be a never-discovered version where she has already left). But most of all, I think about the cat which has jumped up in panic. What set it off? Just the sight of a big thing with wings ? Some angelic smell ? Or do angels move air when they come down and land ?
This one certainly seems to have come down fast. It looks to me a bit like a gymnast trying for a good score when exiting from a somersault. Perhaps overdoing it a bit and so appealing more to the crowd than to the judges. And thinking of that gave me the idea of organising the first Metaphysical Olympics. For the time being we only have one event - Gymnastics for Angels or Gymnangelastics. But our competitors don't need to train and we can use ethereal triangles and spheres as stadiums, so we can expand instantaneously any time over the next couple of weeks.
As everyone should know by now, the Beijing Olympics will be inaugurated on the 8th of August (8th month) 2008 at 8 p.m. because 8 (pronounced bā in Chinese) is an auspicious number. We are going to try and out-propitiate them by starting our ceremony at 8.08 a.m. on the same day and while their ceremony is planned to last 3 to 5 hours, ours will end after exactly 88 minutes. Most of the time will be spent singing the Beach Boys song Barbara Ann, because of all the ba-ba-ba's in it. In fact we may just replace all the other words with ba as well so as to multiply the propitiousness and make it fructify. We may have some flags but we won't have any countries, because we think they are silly.
You might be interested in seeing some of the favourites and some outsiders in the Gymnangelastics event. Dutch and Flemish painters are under-represented because most of them seem to prefer to have the angel walk in through the front door or else have it comfortably seated as if it had been served a cup of tea before bringing up the delicate subject it was called upon to discuss.
(click to enlarge)
Beato Angelico
Beautiful
wing position (and beautiful wings), hands in expressive but not
overly flamboyant position. However the angel has not been able to
completely check its forward motion.
Very good.
Alessio Baldovinetti
Quite a big wobble here. Wings OK but not outstanding. Hands-crossed position looks like a hasty attempt to regain balance.
Average
Botticelli
Big disappointment here from Botticelli, who surely must have been considered a contender.Very bad form in general, everything pointing in different directions and looking very unstable. Perhaps just about to tip forward onto the ground or grab Mary's garb. Underperformer.
Caravaggio
Go back and practise some more.
Non-starter.
David
Knees somewhat too far apart, hand gestures not perfect, robe not completely under control and wings in in-between position, but all in all a very impressive performance. Might just be a surprise medallist.
Dark horse.
Almost certain to get injured landing like that.
Are you insured?
Fra Bartolomeo
Just slightly tilted and askew, but another possible surprise.
The other Brother.
Gentile Bellini
Not perfect (I think you are supposed to land inside the house), but so dynamic and expressive it is very likely some of the judges will be swayed.
The menace from Venice
Grunewald
A completely different approach, flamboyant and deliberately rough-edged.
A bit on the wild side.
Leonardo da Vinci
Most people's favourite. Turbo-spoiler wings, perfect poise, frozen motion and landing almost exactly half-way betweenn' the two cypress trees. Flawless.
Rubens
You can't deny the talent, but a rather hard landing.
Heavyweight.

Simone Martini
Much simpler than some of the others, but bordering on perfection.
Shades of gold
Terbruggen
A Dutch follower of Caravaggio (notice the dirty feet) and having the same kind of problems in making contact with the earth.
Never Land
Seems to have knocked a number of the house's walls down and to have involved the holy spirit in a stuka dive.
Spectators advised to stand back.
And then of course there is Lotto. Pretty good but something is not kosher. I have great confidence in the intuition of cats and until the issue is clarified Lotto will suffer a one-point deduction.
By the way, I took all these pictures from a fantastic resource - The Web Gallery of Art where you can organise your own exhibitions by searching for a specifici title like I did for the Annunciation. For example, you could try and find all the pictures of St. Sebastian they have. (Perhaps useful for an archery event at our Olympics).







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